351. Shifting Your Focus: Embracing a Life that Truly Matters

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In this episode of the Debt Free Dad podcast, Kati delves into the importance of shifting focus from external validation to living a fulfilling life. She shares her personal debt-free journey, including the mistakes made due to caring about others' perceptions and the realizations that led to positive changes. Kati emphasizes the significance of genuine relationships and experiences over material possessions, sharing stories of others who faced similar challenges. Tune in for practical tips on managing finances and building a life you truly enjoy without the weight of impressing others. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Questioning Our Motivations
• 1:11 My Debt Freedom Journey
• 2:11 The Doctor's Secret Financial Disaster
• 4:55 Living Authentically vs. Impressing Others
• 7:43 Simplify My Money Offering

Transcript

Kati Hatfield: 0:33

When your pants start to feel a little tight, what is your first thought? Do you think about watching what you eat a little closer? Are you looking around at the strangers in the store around you, wondering what they think of your appearance? First of all, I'm guessing they're not even paying attention. They're looking at their phones. And second, why does it matter what a stranger thinks? You might never see them again. Are you living a life that you truly enjoy or are you simply trying to impress others? Stay tuned for tips on how to shift your focus.

Kati Hatfield: 1:11

Thank you for listening to the Debt-Free Dad podcast, where we help everyday, normal people like you take control of your finances and live a happier, less stressful life. I'm Katie, your host for today's episode, and I've been on my journey to debt freedom for almost seven years now, and in that time I've paid off over $221,634 in student loans, car loans, medical bills and credit card debt all on a single income. One of the biggest things I had to unlearn while getting out of debt is caring what other people thought about what I was doing. I had accumulated a lot of debt by buying clothes, getting my hair and nails done, going on big fancy trips, not being able to afford most of it, but all to put on an appearance for others to think I had it all together. In reality, I was being crushed by stress, I was in a miserable relationship and the sparkle in my eyes had significantly dulled. I just wasn't me. When you start to evaluate why you're spending money and doing certain things, you start to take a serious look at your life, not just your finances. Early in my debt journey, I once spent the day with a friend who was stressing about having to ask her dad for money to pay her electric bill and keep the lights on again. Yet not even an hour after I left her apartment that day, she was posting a photo of her Starbucks drink on social media. Wait what? You were just complaining that you had no money for an essential bill, and now you're out spending over $6 on a fancy coffee. I could only shake my head, but it really was a lightbulb moment for me in evaluating my choices. The other day I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, the Dating Detectives, and they recently had a guest on who had a wild story.

Kati Hatfield: 3:01

She and her husband were popular figures in an affluent community. He was a doctor. She ran the local Mommy and Me groups. They did a ton of fundraisers for different causes nice house, jet skis, an RV and lots of other flashy toys and lots of other flashy toys. When her husband's parents passed away, he became the executor for the trust they set up and he and each of his siblings would be receiving a pretty significant inheritance. It looked like they had it all. Life was great, nothing out of the ordinary, until it wasn't One day her husband had left the house.

Kati Hatfield: 3:33

Before she woke up. She couldn't seem to get a hold of him. He wasn't returning her calls or texts all day. Okay, maybe he's just got a schedule full of patients. Today, she thought. Around dinner two police officers knock on her door, only to find out he's been arrested for attempting to rob a bank. He had spent all of their money and his siblings' portions of the parents' trust and ended up going to jail, forcing her and their two middle school-aged kids to move into an acquaintance's small mother-in-law suite sharing a single bed. They were literally left with nothing. The community rallied around her and supported her and the kids, but what a slippery slope. The husband went down feeling like he needed money so desperately to keep up a lavish lifestyle to impress others that he went to some pretty extreme lengths.

Kati Hatfield: 4:28

I was watching the show forever and I loved a comment made by one of the main characters If it weren't for you, I'd still be locked in a life that wasn't mine. I actually had to pause, rewind, find a piece of paper and write that down. It truly hit home because if it wasn't for taking this journey to get out of debt, I would probably still be making some questionable choices and spending money on things that were not fulfilling my life. No thing can make you happy. My focus now is on relationships and experiences, creating fun memories that I can carry with me through life, not stuff collecting dust on shelves or piles of boxes in the basement. One of the most common regrets for end-of-life patients is not living the life that they wanted for themselves. Many felt like they lived to appease others.

Kati Hatfield: 5:20

Too often people feel their self-worth is tied to how others perceive them. They desire validation, belonging, social acceptance. Humans are social creatures. We naturally seek connection and want to feel liked, approved of part of a group. We have a subconscious drive to feel good about ourselves, build confidence and fit in, but when we focus on impressing people, it backfires a bit. We give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry and fear. It can also be linked to insecurity or a need for external validation. When you're constantly feeling the need to prove yourself fit in, gain influence or establish dominance, it can create a lot of pressure, but it's mostly internal.

Kati Hatfield: 6:02

When our self-esteem is low, then we try to fill our inner void or emptiness by impressing others, basically filling our tank with a little dopamine hit, craving every little but temporary happiness from others' praise, but temporary happiness from others' praise. We try to do this impression business everywhere, starting with our parents, throughout school, in society, at our jobs. We start to use things to maintain a certain image. After all, social media, commercials, ads everywhere reinforce the idea that success and happiness are tied to material possessions and a perfect image. Happiness are tied to material possessions and a perfect image. In the Art of being Genuine by Randy Kay, he writes being genuine means presenting your image in the same way for anyone, regardless of status or position.

Kati Hatfield: 6:47

People are generally most comfortable with those who aren't trying to artificially impress them. That's not to say you shouldn't dress or behave appropriately for an interview or a social function. It simply means you should always represent the real you, who you are on the inside. By focusing on only what we control ourselves, we actually gain approval from others because they see us as confident and in control. I believe one of the best compliments I ever received from a friend was I love that I can just be myself around you. I don't have to change my clothes or have a perfectly clean house and I can say anything and you won't judge me for it. If we all strive to feel that way around others and be that safe space for others, I believe we will all end up richer in immeasurable ways. I'd love to hear from you and what you're doing to live a life that you truly love and enjoy. Drop a comment on today's episode wherever you listen to our podcast.

Brad Nelson: 7:44

Now listen if you're ready to break free from living paycheck to paycheck which, if you're listening, I hope you are. You want to reduce financial stress. You want to build savings. You want to finally pay off debt for good, but you're not sure where to get started. Don't worry, we've got you covered. Here at Debt-Free Dad. Simplify my Money is sent each Sunday to your email. We make it easy and Simplify my Money. It's your step-by-step roadmap to better financial control, and you're also going to learn easy to follow strategies to manage your money effectively. You're going to get stress-free money decisions that will help you simplify your financial life with proven tips that actually work. You're also going to gain the tools and the confidence to tackle your financial goals head on. You can sign up for Simplify my Money by clicking the link at the top of the show notes. Thanks for joining us on today's show and we will see you guys on the next episode.